Managing overwhelm as a high performing perfectionist

How often do you look at your to-do list, or your calendar of appointments, and feel your heart beat a little faster at the sheer volume of tasks to be done?

Work tasks, home tasks, children tasks, and somewhere in there, self tasks if you remember to schedule it in.

AS HIGH PERFORMERS WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO PERFECTIONISM IN MANY FORMS, IT’S NO WONDER OVERWHELM COMES KNOCKING. SOMETIMES THE PRESSURE WE PUT ON OURSELVES IS INTENSE!

I was listening to a great audiobook last night, and it talked of how each day we have a finite amount of self-control available to us. The idea being, that if we use all of our self-control up, we shift into a state of ego depletion - where we no longer feel we have the mental strength to hold ourselves to an expected standard.

And one of the results of this, becomes feeling overwhelmed. Because a part of our mind is tied to the expectation and the standard we set for ourselves (aka our perfectionism part), and the other part of our mind just wants to climb under the covers and go to sleep, or eat a family sized bag of doritos.

Think about it like this.

In just your Monday morning routine alone, it might look like waking up to the sound of your children running down the hallway to the TV, then you dragging their lunchboxes out of their bags from the Friday before, making a balanced lunch (with no plastic, no peanuts, no sugar of course), cooking breakfast, getting the kids dressed in their clean, tidy uniforms, clean shoes on, oh wait - brush hair, brush teeth, guitar for music lessons, change of clothes for sports practice, feed the dog, remember to give out the vitamins, grab the car keys - no wait, get yourself dressed…!

The list could go on right, and if you’re already feeling behind time, because you woke to the sound of the kids, not to your own natural body rising, the physical sensation in your body might just be one of panic.

By the time you get to work, or back home, consider the amount of mental energy you’ve used just to get through that part of your day. You’ve started the day in a rush, feeling behind, and adrenaline is pumping through your body.

Then, if you’re in a role that has decision-making responsibilities, or you’re attempting to stick to a food plan, or you’re trying to avoid social media, it just keeps piling on.

WHAT I’M SAYING HERE IS - IF YOU’RE FEELING OVERWHELMED AND DEPLETED BY THE END OF THE DAY, SO MUCH SO THAT YOU’RE RUMMAGING THROUGH THE CHOCOLATE CUPBOARD FOR SUSTENANCE BEFORE ZONING OUT IN FRONT OF NETFLIX - I GET IT!

Or if your patience is thin and you’ve already shouted at the kids because they’ve come home from school and entered the house like a hurricane - I get it.

Or if you’re cooking dinner, and your mind is off dreaming of somewhere between clapping monkeys and your pillow - I get it.

Or if you finally get the kids to bed, and you don’t take yourself off to bed because you just want a few moments of what feels like “you time” so you binge on a Netflix series ‘til 11pm - I get it.

I get it all. And also, I know some strategies that can help it not be so much, so often.

They’ll help you not to feel completely drained by dinner time, and to work through that overwhelm as it rises, in a way that creates calm for you and for those around you.

Make sleep the priority

If you’re going to be strictly time bound on anything, make it your sleep routine. So much can be gained in your hinengaro (mentally/emotionally), your tinana (physically), your wairua (spiritually) and your whānau (connectedness with others) when you get the right amount of good quality sleep.

Whilst it might feel like what you want is to blob in front of the TV, an early night to bed is so much more impactful.

Think of sleep like the charger for your mobile phone. You plug your phone in when it falls under the 15% bar right? How about doing the same for yourself.

One way you can slowly get to bed a little earlier if you find this a struggle, is to aim for 5 mins earlier each night. Just 5 mins earlier than the night before. Then it doesn’t feel like a big restriction, but rather neither here nor there. Of course, over a week, that’s a bedtime of 35 mins earlier, which can be a great difference.

Pause, breath, feel, act

Sometimes we need a strategy in our back pocket for what happens when things come up. Or in this case, when you’re hit with an overwhelming negative emotion - perhaps panic, stress, frustration, confusion.

It might feel like you’ve been overloaded, there’s too much there for you to manage and you can’t make sense of things. So you respond or react emotionally - you might yell, you might switch off from listening, you might become upset, you might lose patience with the kids.

Taking a moment, in amongst that overwhelming feeling can be all it takes to bring back a little order.

Firstly pause, and zoom out of the situation. Often you’re deep down in the trenches and you can’t see what else is going on, so pausing to zooming out helps to choose your respond. You might like to say “pause and zoom out” out loud if it helps.

Next, take five deep breaths, and count each breath. Just focus on the breath. This helps to regulate your emotions that are building.

Next feel - be curious about what it is you’re actually feeling. What is causing you to feel stressed or panicked or frustrated? No judgement, no problem solving, just acknowledging what the feeling is.

Lastly, decide how you are going to act in this moment. How will you respond to that feeling? How will you respond to the situation in front of you? Perhaps you might go and get a glass of water, or walk outside for a moment. You get to choose your response.

Fill your tank through the day

When you reach the empty warning light, you’ve already run out of control, run out of willpower and are heading down deep into depletion.

So be proactive and avoid getting to that empty tank so soon. Some ways you can fill your tank up through the day include taking regular breaks, stepping outside and taking a short walk, even if it’s just a walk around your house. Enough to generate movement and energy once again.

Another option is to use meditation and mindfulness, allowing your mind to take a pause, let go of the rushing energy and be present in the moment.

You could also try some exercise, and be mindful of the type of exercise you do. For some people, high intensity workouts will generate new energy and top you right back up, but for others this can actually be draining and make you feel like you need a sleep afterwards. Yoga or something lower impact might be better suited for you.

And eat mindfully - managing diet can be one of the strongest willpower suckers we deal with, we are often using a lot of self-control to manage how and when we eat. Allow yourself to eat mindfully, when your body is hungry, can ensure you’re keeping that one at bay.